Dev || Mevibeswriter

Main kya kar raha hoon, kyun kar raha hoon, kya soch raha hoon, kya plan hai, kya chahta hoon— mere mann mein kya chal raha hai, mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha. Raat ko der tak jagta hoon. Na padh raha hoon, na kahin baahar ja raha hoon. Main kisse kya bol raha hoon, ye bhi samajh nahi aa raha. Main itna kyun soch raha hoon? Aakhir main chahta kya hoon— ye bhi samajh nahi aa raha. Zyada kisi se baat nahi kar paata. Aisa nahi hai ki baat karna nahi chahta, par log milte hi nahi. Waise bhi, kisko kya bataun? Khud ko hi samajh nahi aa raha. Koi pooch leta hai, “Kaise ho?” “Kaisi chal rahi hai padhai?” aur main jhooth bol deta hoon. Par main jhooth bol hi kyun raha hoon? Main sach keh kyun nahi deta? Na jaane ye sab isi waqt kyun hona tha… Mera mann kahin aur hai, dhyaan kahin aur. Main chahta kuch aur hoon, aur ho kuch aur raha hai. Ab to ye bhi samajh nahi aa raha ki jo kar raha hoon, wo sahi bhi hai ya nahi. Raat ko der tak jaagna, un kaale aasmaanon mein si...

I thought everything was fine 🙂, but it turned out to be just a fleeting dream. Yesterday, I realized this wasn’t the end—it was only the beginning of another side of the problem. And trust me, it feels terrible… I can’t explain much, but I’m hoping for the best. Maybe by the end of this week, things will settle again. Thanks to my siblings, who are still handling everything carefully. The situation is so bad that I can’t even focus on my studies at home. My elder sister, who is preparing for UPSC and BPSC,  has taken charge of things. Meanwhile, I—the one who knows everything and is directly involved—was the first in the family to figure it out and explain it carefully to her. I feel completely drained. There’s no energy left for studies—just exhausting days, one after another. I tried my best, but nothing seems to be working, and now my studies are suffering. 😭😭 For the past week, my mental health has been terrible. I had a fever of 102°F , but I didn’t tell my parents the rea...

Dil ki baat Anjaan ke saath—main aapka swagat hai… Sabse pehle, Thank you to everyone . Honestly, I’m feeling lost and exhausted as exam days are getting closer. I’m becoming more nervous and anxious, and it feels like time is running out. I’m unable to do anything properly. Main roz plans banata hoon, aur roz unhe khud hi kharab kar deta hoon. Ek baat jo maine seekhi hai, wo ye hai ki koi bhi plan perfect nahi hota . Rigid or ideal plans banane se behtar hai ki problems likhi jaayein aur unke realistic solutions pe kaam kiya jaaye. Flexibility aur problem-solving zyada important hoti hai, na ki flawless planning. Mujhe samajh hi nahi aa raha ki is sab ke baare mein baat kisse karoon. Pichhle kuch din mere liye kaafi tough rahe hain, aur jo kuch mere family ke andar hua, use dekh kar abhi tak yakeen nahi hota. Achhi baat ye rahi ki family tensions—jinhe mere parents aur elders tak ko pata nahi tha—kuch siblings ki madad se kaafi had tak solve ho gaye. Par meri main problem padhai hai...

  January 31st – The End of a Chapter I woke up at 7:25 A.M. on January 31st , feeling neutral. It was the last day of the month, and I had mixed emotions—thinking about what I had accomplished, what I had missed, and what I needed to do next. After freshening up, my day started with a cup of tea that I made for myself and my family members. I went to study in the sunlight, where my siblings were already studying because the next day ( February 1st ) was their board exam. I was studying Physics to complete my syllabus. My sister was revising Biology , and my brother was analyzing question patterns and sending some important questions to his friends. I was studying too, but I kept observing them. I knew that their analyzed questions might not help much, but I still encouraged them, saying, “This is good, but revise other chapters as well.” By midday—almost 1:00 P.M. —my sister took my phone, and I went to eat something. That was my free time. After about 1.5 hours , around 2:4...

Ahhhhhhh, This is too much. I feel exhausted, nervous, overwhelmed, and hopeless. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me—it’s incredibly draining. Whenever I make a plan, someone interrupts me with household tasks. I feel guilty refusing because I don’t want anyone to think I’m disrespectful or a bad person. But honestly, it feels suffocating. Sharing Some Recent Actions Last night, I made a proper plan and woke up early today, feeling ready to study. I freshened up and organized my desk, and just as I sat down to begin, my mom came and asked me to boil milk for her because she was getting late for school (she’s a teacher). I thought, “Okay, this won’t take much time.” So I got up and did it. But then, after about 30 minutes, my dad needed tea and breakfast. Once again, I stepped away to help. Just as I finished, he returned after a while, asking for more help. At that point, I started wondering if I would even get a chance to study today. I felt completely overwhelmed 😩😫 and s...

Disclaimer Yeh blog Hinglish mein likha gaya hai, kyunki mujhe lagta hai ki Hinglish emotions aur feelings ko zyada naturally convey karti hai. Kahaan se shuru karun, samajh nahi aa raha. Kuch din pehle maine ek novel ka chapter padha tha— “Yahi Sach Hai.” Yeh chapter mere dil ke kaafi kareeb hai. Maine ise teen baar padha hai, aur har baar kuch naya sikhne ko mila. Waise, yeh novel mujhe meri badi didi ne diya tha, aur unka favorite chapter bhi yehi hai. Is chapter ki kuch lines mujhe bahut pasand aayi, jaise: “फिर अठारह वर्ष की आयु में किया हुआ प्यार भी कोई प्यार होता है भला! निरा बचपन होता है, महज पागलपन! उसमें आवेश रहता है पर स्थायित्व नहीं, गति रहती है पर गहराई नहीं। जिस वेग से वह आरम्भ होता है, जरा-सा झटका लगने पर उसी वेग से टूट भी जाता है। … और उसके बाद आहों, आँसुओं और सिसकियों का एक दौर, सारी दुनिया की निस्सारता और आत्महत्या करने के अनेकानेक संकल्प, और फिर एक तीखी घृणा। जैसे ही जीवन को दूसरा आधार मिल जाता है, उन सबको भूलने में एक दिन भी नहीं लगता। तब एकाएक एहसास होता है कि...

Disclaimer: This blog is written in Hinglish because I believe that Hinglish conveys feelings better.  Aisa nahi hai ki main dost banana nahi chahta, par main thoda sa darta aur ghabrata hoon. Kabhi-kabhi lagta hai ki jisko maine apna dost maana, kahin woh mujhe dhoka na de de. Isi darr ki wajah se, aaj se lagbhag 8 mahine pehle , maine ek ladki ko dekha tha. Mujhe usse baat karni thi, par ghabrahat aur logon ke darr ki wajah se main peeche hat gaya. Face-to-face baat karne ke bajay, maine usse online chat karna shuru kiya. Mere hisaab se, woh mujhe sabse achhi dost lagti hai. Jab bhi usse baat karta hoon, mann halka ho jaata hai. Kabhi-kabhi mann karta hai ki bas usse gale laga kar thank you bol doon—har us cheez ke liye jo maine usse seekhi hai. ❤️ Woh mujhse chhoti hai, par baatein badi-badi karti hai. Uske saath ek alag hi vibe hai. Mujhe hamesha ek aise dost ki zarurat thi jo samjhe aur guide kare—and woh bilkul aisi hi hai. Kabhi-kabhi maine usse kuch offensive reels...

Every new year gives us a fresh start—a chance to reflect and make changes. But let’s be honest: how many of us actually stick to those promises? We try, we fail, and sometimes we repeat the same mistakes. This time, I want to do better, and it all starts with small steps . This year, I looked back at my past mistakes and successes. While I made many errors, I also learned from them. I realized that even the worst days teach us something, and those lessons quietly help us grow. I don’t have a big circle of friends, but my joint family is my biggest strength. They are supportive, loving, and—yes—a little annoying at times! Living in a village means a simpler life, but it’s a life I’ve slowly learned to appreciate. Interestingly, some of my closest connections are my online friends . There’s a girl I met on Instagram—she’s wise beyond her years and always seems to know the right thing to say. She’s taught me that even the smallest kind words can make a big difference. This year, I feel ...

Someone once said, “If the end is good, then everything is good.” I had thought of something similar long ago, and with that hope, I wanted to make the last day of the year my best day. My goal was simple—to reflect on my good deeds, bad habits, and mistakes, and welcome a better version of myself into the new year. The last day wasn’t anything extraordinary, yet it had its own quiet charm. Honestly, this year turned out worse than I had expected . Still, amidst the struggles, there were moments of growth and learning that shaped me in ways I didn’t realize at the time. One major highlight was attending weddings and traveling alone to my relatives’ house . For me, this was a big achievement, as my parents rarely allow me to go anywhere alone. Traveling solo to another district was a fresh and enriching experience. Even now, as I write this, memories from that journey fill my mind and remind me how far I’ve come in terms of independence. I had planned to make the last day productive, ...

Today was a peculiar one—not because of any grand event, but because of how it felt. The air carried a strange vibe, as if it were quietly urging me to push harder and make the most of my opportunities. I woke up later than planned, but instead of drowning in guilt, I chose to focus on one task from my to-do list. I started with something simple—organizing my workspace. It was a small win, but it gave me a sudden boost of confidence. With that energy, I planned my day. Every task—studying, talking to friends, and handling household chores—had its place, and I decided to see it through. Of course, life doesn’t always follow plans. By mid-afternoon, unexpected household responsibilities began interrupting my schedule. Frustration slowly crept in as my study time kept shrinking. But instead of giving up, I made a decision—to stay awake until everything was done. It wasn’t easy. By the time I checked off the last task, the clock showed 3:00 A.M. I was exhausted, but satisfied. I managed t...